BOG's Oil Spill Solutions

There is one thing more important than the gulf oil spill crisis being handled authoritatively and well, and that is the ILLUSION of the gulf oil spill crisis being handled authoritatively and well. To that end, we had great presidential theater a few weeks back.

President Obama came down to the Gulf Coast to roll up his sleeves, stare at the ocean and find out "whose ass to kick." It was a bold move from our Comforter, Ass-Kicker and Emoter in Chief. It doesn't clean up a drop of oil, but it makes us all feel good.

I'm serious. It works on tons emotionally, if not intellectually. Just not us folks who live here!

As long as a president travels to a disaster site, shakes a few hands and narrows his eyes at destruction, people feel better. They begin to feel Jesus will come back and everyone will get a free puppy.

I live on the Gulf Coast. It's my home. So no one is more sensitive to its destruction than me. But I'm starting to feel like God doesn't want the Gulf Coast to exist. Galveston 1900. Hurricane Camille 1969. Katrina 2005. And now someone disabled the "Do Not Explode" switch on Deep Horizon and all the birds look like Elmer Fudd after a shotgun backfire.

How do we stop this thing? No one seems to know except celebrities. Kevin Costner, Drew Bledsoe and Troy Aikman have all held press conferences to talk solutions. Great. I'm listening to all voices, except that of Gary Coleman, who took his solution to the grave with him.

We have tried some pretty cool things to stop the leak, like robot-controlled submarines. Although I'm not sure if the submarines themselves were actual robots or if they were merely controlled by killer robots, with hooks for hands, and glowing eyes that highlight kill zones on your body when they look at you. Too much caffeine. Sorry.


The BP Solution: Shoot mud in the hole, and lower a big Liberty Bell on it.


"The Baller's" Solution: Throw a Magnum on it and don't tell the wife.


The Elderly Solution: Enlarge a prostate around it. This cut off my grandfather's flow.


My Niece's Solution: Throw kitty litter on it.


Tourism Solution: Rebrand the gulf "An Oil Lagoon Paradise" and promote wakeboarding.


Romantic Solution: Marry the oil well, which will guarantee it'll quit putting out.

My Solution: Bring the world in, without the insane government red tape, to help contain it, clean it up and figure out how to stop it. We need action. Enough TALKING!

Obama's Solution: Stare at the ocean with your shirtsleeves rolled up.