Aint That America

The Fourth of July used to be one of my favorite holidays. I loved the smell of flesh burning under the punishing sun as I boated around the Tombigbee River, nursing a flask and chew. I only wished I could legally shoot fireworks into the sky instead of my pistol.

Happy birthday, America! You gave us rugged individualism, John Philip Sousa and the Situation. But as great as you are, I think there are several of your institutions that deserve a nudge off their red, white and blue pedestals.


1. Apple pie


Apple pie kinda sucks. First of all, it has apples in it, when all you really need is cinnamon butter and crust to go with the ice cream and self-hatred. And is apple pie really American? I think it sounds German (research needed). But even if apple pie is American, there are many desserts that have eclipsed it as the quintessential American dessert. Three nominees: Twizzlers, funnel cakes and tiramasu.

2. Mom


At one time, "mom" represented all that was good and right with our country. Then Joan Crawford was born. Add to that white wine, the telephone, xanax and daytime television, and moms have been in sweatpants ever since. I don't want to sound like Larry Flynt (because he had medical problems), but ever since the American woman got the right to vote, the pill and a sense that she was entitled to her own happiness, all hell has broken loose. She divorced dad, moved to Phoenix and now focuses on her art. Plus, she won't answer my pleas for money.

3. The weather in the South


I know Americans like to move down south, but the weather is a killer. Ten minutes outside and I start to smell like pirate. Lately, I've been experimenting with new ways to cool down. Last week, I stripped down and splashed water from my neighbor's bird bath. Bad idea when your neighbor's an NRA member. Some people think ice cream is a good way to cool down. But after I rub down with ice cream, I'm always too sticky for social gatherings or job interviews.

4. Fireworks

Nothing has really changed in the last 20 years...whats different this year folks? Boom, pow, colors. Ummmm, b-o-r-i-n-g! I saw a lady on the news last night who says she hasn't missed a fireworks display on New Years and 4th of July since 1994. Is she waiting for a George Clooney design to light the sky or something? Not gonna happen. Now, I would watch this(wait for it).

5. MTV

Remember when MTV actually played music videos? Now its Snooki Poofs, cold sores, binge drinking and half naked chicks (okay, so it isn't all that bad). And, the Real World? If thats the "real world" sign me up. This channel is viewing proof of why kids in America dont give a damn! If I whiz by channel 25 and see Guidos in Speedos fist pumping one more time I may just watch.

Oh, America! Wait, was that wrong?