Do You Ever Read The Instructions?

I love a good deal. Some people may be suspicious of a $39 microwave or a $2 lamp, but I play the odds that one in 10 will be a keeper. If I have to buy more than one, so what? I'm still ahead.

But the real pleasure of buying cheaply made goods is the poorly translated instructions I find stuffed in the box. They are not helpful in assembling the table or explaining how the Blue Blockers actually work, but they are amazingly effective at making people like me giggle like a geisha girl at a party. Just read them aloud once and you will see what I mean.

The problem is that foreign manufacturers write the instructions in their native language and then use one of those free online translators rather than employ an actual bilingual person who breathes and uses the bathroom.

For example, take a gander at the following warning on a table lamp I found in the closet the other day.

WARNING:

1. plesse don't place in following place.

a) nearby strong vibration

b) in the dusty play


All right, I understand that you don't want me to use my lamp near a strong vibration, even though I bought it to go on my washing machine, but now you're telling me I cannot use my lamp in the dusty play? What are you, a communist? Oh, sorry.

Lately, I've taken to running all my messages through an online translator and then converting them back into English, just to confuse people and to have a little fun.

Here's the original draft of a recent note I wrote to LaJJ:

"LaJJ, I can not help you paint this weekend, because I messed up my back moving furniture. However, I still would like to take you to dinner Saturday night and drink tequila until I pass out. I hear it's good for your heart. Best , Brad"

After the translator, and giggle, this is what I sent her:

"I move the furniture back to mess LaJJ, I draw this weekend you can not help it. But I would like a tequila dinner on Saturday night and drink until I pass yet. It seems to me that your heart good. , Brad Best"

She responded by asking if I was "on crack."

Mission accomplished.