Keep New Year Resolutions Reachable

Time to start getting serious about your New Year's resolutions. I know you are thinking that you are a miserable fat loser and there's really no hope of trying to change yourself for the better. Very true, but why not make a half-hearted effort just to say you did? (I have a motivational-speaker background.)

New Year's resolutions should be about lowering expectations, not raising them. Like my father told me, "Son, people like you don't amount to much, so aim low and exceed expectations." He was right. My life goal was to turn 30 outside of prison. I missed that goal by only a couple months, but Dad was still happy. Okay, so I have never been to prison and my dad never really told me that but its just a technique I use in my speeches....it's what I call "an example".

So lower your expectations. Instead of aiming to "read classic literature each week," resolve to merely acknowledge the literature's existence. That's much easier, and you don't have to worry about reading. Listen, let's be honest, books are gay, and by that I mean that books tend to like other books from their own genre. Don't ask me how I know this.

To really be successful, you should make resolutions about simple things, like "drink drinks" or "respond to external stimuli." Then you are guaranteed to succeed just like me. I once padded my resolution list with things like "go downstairs with the help of gravity" and "respirate," and you would not believe the success rate I had that year. It was like 20 percent.

Please do yourself and America a favor and avoid complicated resolutions. Don't resolve to "wake up every morning by 7 a.m. and work out." This is way too bold – too many moving parts. How about merely "awaken most days?" (Keep the question mark at the end for extra wiggle room.) People who make difficult, compound resolutions are not your friends. They are your parole officers.

In conclusion, resolutions are like newborn babies. They are easy to make, but hard to keep if you encounter an aggressive Child Protection Services.

I'll leave you with my resolutions list for 2010:

• Put things on countertops.

• Walk in the direction I'm facing.

• Make my eyes move in concert.

• Avoid Wal-Mart.

• Give up

Here's to wishing you a successful 2010!