MY PLAN TO IMPROVE SESAME STREET...YOU HEARD ME

Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary this week.

I feel like a big bird walking out on a thin limb here, but I never really thought Sesame Street was that great. It just didn't do it for me as a kid. I liked Grover, and the wild way that Cookie Monster would consume confectionary, but mostly Sesame Street depressed me, especially when the puppets took a back seat to the humans.

First of all, Sesame Street, the actual street part, was run-down and badly in need of some gentrification (look it up). I wanted to see some more Volvos parked out there, and some cops harassing Oscar until he moved on to industrial areas of town.

If your address was on Sesame Street, chances are you were beaten down, disenfranchised and juggling bills. That made me too nervous. I wanted everyone to get jobs and develop coke habits, not hang around Hooper's Store like vagrants.

I was also eternally frustrated that no one other than Big Bird could see Snuffleupagus. I prayed for the day that Big Bird would dart Snuffleupagus, then hold a King Kong-like unveiling to show the world this incredible creature. But I guess Big Bird was too busy with his leg disease, or whatever caused those rings to form around his thighs.

I recently saw some late '70s episodes of Sesame Street, and I gotta tell you, that period of time ought to be called "the era when everyone looked like they needed to shower." There was no manscaping (look it up) going on back then. Trust me, there was a bigger bird's nest in David's pants than in Big Bird's tree.

I know some people praise Sesame Street for its realism, but I don't want realism in my children's entertainment. I'm tuning in for puppets and stuff. I don't want to learn how to deal with my emotions. I want to laugh at bits of cookie flying all over the screen.

But I guess Sesame Street paved the way for other children's entertainment, and for that I'm thankful. The lucky kids of today have entire channels dedicated to keeping them entertained, and that is amazing to a guy who had to wait for Saturday morning to see a cartoon.

My five-point plan for revitalizing Sesame Street:

1. Offer tax incentives to lure luxury condo builders.

2. Force Oscar into a shelter.

3. Close all liquor stores and check-cashing places.

4. Open a Bed, Bath and Beyond.

5. Hire Spongebob.