NEWS FROM B-RAD'S PAD......Wasting Your Time Since 2005

I'm Going Out With A Bang...Not Really

2011-01-21T20:22:00.003-06:00

This is it folks...the last post on "The Pad". After 1,937 posts I am retiring. Just too many Father Knows Best episodes to watch, Brown versus Board documents to read, DIY (Do It Yourself) Projects, Polio Vaccines to germinate, Elvis commercials to watch,Godzilla episodes,Swanson Dinners to eat, Hank Aaron homers to watch with the Milwaukee Brewers, M&M's to eat, having the first kidney transplant, putting together a LEGO and taking a breathalyzer test.

That's 1954 and maybe my blog didn't start in that year but Auburn's first Championship did. The Mayan calendar is closing in on us too. Wow, coincidence? End of time? Only time will tell.....how ironic.

I will miss you guys.

The Pad signing off.

Thanks for Reading -

I Don't Know what To Say..."Dude, I just Told You"......

THIS IS FUNNY

2010-12-16T18:47:00.000-06:00

ROCK ON!

2010-12-01T18:53:00.002-06:00

IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN....IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THIS SOUND JUST LIKE OUR FRIEND KERMIT THE FROG DOING PLAY BY PLAY?

2010-12-01T18:51:00.001-06:00

FUTURE TSA WORKER

2010-11-28T19:41:00.000-06:00

A FIST FIGHT IN THE NFL? IS IT JUST ME OR DOES FINNEGAN LOOK LIKE PAULY D?

2010-11-28T19:32:00.002-06:00

PAULY D?????

I HAVE A QUESTION

2010-11-28T19:21:00.003-06:00

WHY WERE THE CHILEAN MINERS CELEBRATED AS HEROES ON THE TODAY SHOW? I FEEL FOR THEM FOR THE ORDEAL THEY WENT THROUGH BUT SHOULDNT THE PEOPLE WHO DESIGNED THE CAPSULE (AMERICAN WORKERS) AND THE PEOPLE WHO DRILLED THE HOLE (AMERICAN TECHNOLOGY) AND RESCUED THEM BE THE HEROES?

JUST A THOUGHT..

TWO GREAT VIDEOS FOR THIS THANKSGIVING WEEKEND...ENJOY

2010-11-26T09:32:00.003-06:00

FOR SOME REASON THE OTHER ISNT POSTING BUT CLICK HERE TO VIEW

THE ASIANS IMITATE OUR LIVES ONCE AGAIN

2010-11-23T17:50:00.000-06:00

ARE YOU READY FOR BLACK FRIDAY? THIS LADY IS

2010-11-23T17:01:00.002-06:00

“We never thought we needed to be first for any sort of firstness just for our own firstness, but it’s great to accomplish a personal goal”

Huh? Hey lady it’s Tuesday! See this is precisely why Best Buy or any other store couldn’t pay me to show up on Black Friday. I’d rather pay thousands of dollars and not deal with this wack balls like this. It’s pure insanity.

PRACTICE? COME ON MAN, IT'S PRACTICE.

2010-11-21T08:03:00.002-06:00

THIS IS CHRIS BOSH OF THE MIAMI "GOD SENT US TO WIN SO WE WONT LOSE" HEAT TALKING ABOUT HIS HEAD COACH. "HE WANTS TO WORK AND WE WANT TO CHILL". "HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO MEET US HALFWAY". WELL, THE LAST I CHECKED YOU ARE 8-5 SO MAYBE CHILLING ISNT WORKING. COACHES/OWNERS JUST DONT HAVE THE BALLS TO SIT GUYS LIKE THIS. THEY DO WANT THEY WANT. I WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE SO I CAN JUST CHILL. I'M ONLY $992,667.57 SHORT. HELP A BROTHA OUT.

SURPRISE UNDER THE PILE

2010-11-21T07:55:00.002-06:00

Man with Alabama cap and torn nostril robs Rangeline Road Stop and Shop

2010-11-18T18:14:00.000-06:00

Wait, what?

OH NO!

2010-11-18T18:06:00.003-06:00

The old broke back syndrome. Experienced it. That jacket he has on feels like 200 lbs. I feel ya bro. I feel ya. Hang in there and find that inner balance.....or just have another drink. Might as well, not much you can really do anyway.

WHAT IS "MINI GOLF"?

2010-11-17T18:04:00.000-06:00

WAS SHE OR WASNT SHE? YOU MAKE THE CALL

2010-11-17T17:54:00.001-06:00

Why they didn’t just give her a breathalyzer I’m not quite sure, but that’s not the point of this blog. For me the highlight was clearly the face she made when somebody finally said “gas pedal” to her. Like duh obviously gas pedal…what do you think I’m stupid?

IS THIS THE WORST SAFE SEX PSA EVER MADE?

2010-11-17T17:31:00.002-06:00

SOMEWHERE IN A DARK ALLEY RICKY WEEPS......

RIDICULOUS ANSWER ON FAMILY FUES...AND ITS RIGHT!

2010-11-12T17:15:00.002-06:00

Nekkid grandma? Really? I always like to think that people do and say stupid stuff on television because they’re just nervous. But I don’t think I can even make the case for that here, I mean he said it with such conviction. And the other contestant agreed with him, it’s not that it’s a false statement, no one wants to see your nekkid grandma if you break into a house. I’ve never been on a game show before but I would not be one of those happy go lucky contestants “just happy they had a great time.” I’m there to win MONEY. I would never scream nekkid grandma no matter how nervous I was. I would be the one taking everything way too seriously and then I would punch Steve Harvey in the face. No, not really.

A GOOD OLDIE FOR VETERANS DAY

2010-11-11T21:08:00.001-06:00

TOO EPIC....ENOUGH ABOUT BEING EPIC!

2010-11-10T19:06:00.002-06:00

THIS POST IS EPIC......

2010-11-10T18:53:00.001-06:00

Not exactly how you run out the clock dude.

EPIC FAIL/DID YOU KNOW

2010-11-10T18:46:00.002-06:00

Did anyone else see this article?

Well, today I saw on the news that Mobile is going to have ANOTHER indoor football team. I saw it on the news. I watch the news you know. Well, they told me "for more information go to www.mobilebaytarpons.com. Guess what? It's not working. Under maintenance. Not good. Not good at all. And I know a few things about Marketing.

EPIC

2010-11-10T18:43:00.001-06:00

Seriously that had to be the most epic match race in the history of the 100 meter hurdles between the girl in red and the girl from CM. I mean imagine if you had money on this? The swings in emotion would have been unbearable. One second you got a 2 hurdle lead and the next second your runner is lying face down on the ground and two hurdles behind. Tripping, falling, skipping hurdles etc. This had it all and then some. Like how many times do you see 10 yard leads evaporate in a 100 meter race? Never. But in this race it happened 4 times. Just back and forth, back and forth, back and forth it went all set to the NFL Films music. It was like the Thriller In Manilla only a zillion times better. An absolute race for the ages. So I don’t know whether it makes these girls courageous or stupid for finishing, but it’s definitely has them in the running for a top 100 video of the century.

IS THIS FUNNY?

2010-11-06T12:55:00.002-05:00

CLEVELANDS ANSWER TO THE LEBRON COMMERCIAL

2010-11-06T11:07:00.001-05:00

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS....

2010-11-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

FRIENDLY REMINDER OF THE DANGERS OF SMOKING POT

2010-11-04T19:28:00.002-05:00

ALRIGHTY THEN

2010-11-04T19:23:00.000-05:00

THIS HAS BEEN EVERYWHERE LATELY.....WAS THERE A TIME TRAVELER IN CHARLIE CHAPLIN'S MOVIE? FILMED IN 1928...IS THAT LADY ON A CELL PHONE?

2010-11-04T19:14:00.002-05:00

THE BOG'S LESSONS OF LIFE: VOLUME 1

2010-11-04T18:24:00.005-05:00

{BLOGGERS NOTE: THIS BLOG ACTUALLY STARTED BACK IN 2008 AND EACH ONE WAS WRITTEN WRITTEN OVER A COORS LIGHT OR A BOTTLE OF BOONE'S FARM)

Jimmy was always small. In elementary school, the boys would pick on him and call him "Shorty," "Runt" and "Jimmy." He was also shunned by the girls, who would snicker at his thick glasses and extra arm.

But Jimmy always carried hope that one day, others would view him as special as his parents viewed him. They would see beyond the physical oddities and witness a brilliant and subtle mind that was full of compassion, kindness and ninja tactics.

One day, a fireman came barging into Jimmy's classroom.

"The gymnasium is on fire. We need every extra hand we can get! Come on!"

Jimmy looked down at his extra arm. He knew what he had to do. He closed his notebook and rose from his desk. He waited for all the kids to scurry through the door before he stole the teacher's purse, bought liquor and three-fisted it behind the Dumpster as the sirens wailed.

LESSON: We all can't be heroes.

John huffed down the sterile hallway, his slippered feet gaining unsteady traction. His eyes nervously glanced down at the tray full of rattling test tubes. "I must get these to the safe room," he thought.

He heard gunfire behind him. The Libyans were advancing. He knew he couldn't let the tubes fall into the wrong hands.

Botulism. Ebola. Plague. The labels frightened him even more than the report of gunfire up ahead. If a tube broke, death would spread quickly through the metropolitan area, and then the Western Hemisphere.

As he rounded the corner, a pack of Camel Lights on the security guard's desk caught his eye. He balanced the tray on the desk and fiddled impatiently with the lighter.

Then, almost as if in slow motion, the tray fell and shattered into a smoldering, jagged heap. John slid his back down the wall and sat on the floor. He inhaled the Camel smoke deeply and checked some scores on his iPhone.

LESSON: Don't sweat the small stuff.

Madge was a middle-aged woman with an anger-management problem. She had driven an honest-but-simple husband away, and was now left alone in the small house, with plastic fruit on the table and a defunct mower in the shed.

She wondered where it had all gone: the dreams, the plans, the left foot. She dipped a pudgy stump in the bath water. With romance novel clutched in hand, Madge reclined in the water and began reading about the man with the long hair, kissing the maiden with a tender tongue.

Suddenly, a brilliant flash appeared around her, and Madge felt more alive than she ever had; electric in fact. Before it went dark, she saw the clown silhouetted in the doorway, and the toaster in the tub.

LESSON: Don't trust clowns.

Stay tuned, but until then here is a thought: You know the saying "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush." How much is it worth when you "beat around the bush?"

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2010-10-30T16:57:00.001-05:00

NOW THIS IS FUNNY

2010-10-26T20:17:00.000-05:00

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT THE BLACK NINJA MAY BE A REAL NINJA?

2010-10-26T20:16:00.003-05:00

HOME HUNTING THE RIGHT WAY

2010-09-10T11:43:00.005-05:00

While speaking with one of my young co-workers earlier about the advantages of buying and renting, and how they are on a budget to progress this stage of their life, I thought back to my college days and how and where I lived. Hence a blog appeared in my brain. Here are some tips and stuff for you folks:

In my blossoming adulthood I was not what you would have called "a rich man." In fact, I was more of what you would call "a guy you would like to punch in the face." Also, I was poor.

My biggest expense in those days was either alcohol or secondhand books. I loved shopping for school books, especially while drunk. I would buy up to 10 books a quarter, and the fact I was never truly sober enough to read them was never a deterrent to my acquisition.

These twin passions (possible soft-porn title) of books and booze left me little money for rent, so I was always forced to live in iffy locales. In fact, desirable housing was next to last on my list of priorities, just ahead of charitable giving.

Good Lord, I've lived in some depressing places. I'm not just talking rotting-wood depressing, but rotting-possum-litters-behind-stoves- that-have-to-be-fished-out-with-a- toilet-scrubber depressing.

It sure is a conversation killer to explain to guests that what they call "pet stains" is what the coroner called "the decay of the decedent." Yet that's how I discovered that area rugs are a great way to make a place more homey, and less crime-sceney.

The fact is that rough neighborhoods can offer an excellent value to the bargain renter. The faint of heart never consider how much a dicey neighborhood can lower the rental price. That's why I offer you:

The B-O-G's Guide to Apartment Hunting in Rough Neighborhoods

1. Go online to find your next neighborhood. Skip Craigslist and go straight to the city of Mobile's crime map. See all those colorful dots? Some may see them as "cyber pins indicative of serious crime," but I prefer to think of them as "Skittles of opportunity." Once you have found the neighborhood with the most dots, you've found home.

2. Drive the neighborhood. In a quarter hour, count the gunshots and un-neutered dogs. If the ratio is 2 to 1 and totals around 30, you've found a place to put your books and alcohol.

3. Look for signs. Avoid signs that say "for rent" or "for lease," as these are pricey properties meant for lottery winners and heads of state. Instead look for signs that say "keep out" or "prohibir la entrada." These are the hallmarks of a good deal.

4. Meet the landlord. A good landlord is better than a good drug dealer, but chances are he will be both. Talk with him. Communication is important between landlord and tenant. If a landlord doesn't speak English because his tongue has been removed by adversaries, move on.

5. Ask if there is a security deposit. If there is, ask if you can not pay it. Giving a landlord an interest-free loan is a horrible way to build up a financial cushion, and a great way to give his skanky girlfriend a fortnight of meth.

Finally, remember: If you simply don't feel safe in your new neighborhood and can sense your own impending strangulation with baling wire, you're in the right place.

Happy hunting and until next time, eat the garnish!

IS THIS VIDEO THE "FROM THE GRASSY KNOLL" (YOU KNOW KENNEDY THING) OF BASEBALL?

2010-09-07T17:41:00.002-05:00

Quick question. What’s the point of showing up 4 hours early to BP if you’re not even going to pay attention? You kind of deserved to get nailed in the face with a ball when you look at it that way

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT

2010-09-02T18:00:00.000-05:00

I NOW HAVE BUYERS REMORSE

2010-09-02T13:59:00.001-05:00

PIMPY GOES TO THE BEACH

2010-09-02T13:57:00.002-05:00

TRAIN CONCERT + TOO MUCH BEER + DONT GET OUT MUCH + MIDNIGHT = THIS VIDEO

2010-09-02T13:54:00.002-05:00

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

2010-08-23T15:43:00.000-05:00

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?

2010-08-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

GOLD

2010-07-23T20:51:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. You are saying "Brad, give U2 a rest groupie". But, I have been to 5 U2 shows over the last 12 years and the "regular songs" are still awesome but this last year they played Stuck In a Moment acoustically (which most of you have never heard) and I must admit it ranks in the top 5 performances. Judge for yourself. Hey, its a post!

Where Was This Guy During The Primaries?!

2010-07-23T18:46:00.003-05:00

According to his website, this is what he has done for the citizens!

Things I done for my citizens

1.Served in the U.S. Marine as a Force Recon, Bn. Recon, and a plain Marine who is maintain and recognized as once a Marine always a Marine with a Protect and Defend Oath land and sea , foreign and domestic against all enemy land and sea for life and no other services has this authority .

2. Filed suit against Governor Sunquest for promoting Slavery in Tenn.

3.. Filed a suit against Soddy Daisy Judge for promoting slaving at traffic stops.

4 .Filled a suit against Chattanooga Free Press, Tennessean, all TV stations , Hamilton county attorney, D/A for extortion jury fixing,, racketeering, promoting slavery at traffic stops.

5.Filled a suit against Chattanooga Free Press, Tennessean, all TV stations , Cumberland county attorney, D/A for extortion jury fixing,, racketeering, promoting slavery at traffic stops

6.Filled a suit against Chattanooga Free Press, Tennessean, all TV stations , Bradley county attorney, D/A for extortion jury fixing,, racketeering, promoting slavery at traffic stops.

7. All cases was taken all the way to Tennessee Supreme Court all dismiss allowing counties court to overruled the U.S. Supreme Court concerning traffic stops and media protect them Let me us put me in office.

8 Fix the Flag at Mill Park to fly right at a high cost of 12 stun by stun gun and now it fly right thank to 311.

9 Ran for governor for three times, state senator 4 times, U.S. Senate once.

Now this is a leader....

Is This Funny?

2010-07-15T17:54:00.001-05:00

Ripping & Tearing -- This Is Pure Gold

2010-07-07T17:49:00.001-05:00

In the top 10 videos I have ever posted.

Just Watch

2010-07-07T17:43:00.001-05:00

Aint That America

2010-07-06T19:35:00.006-05:00

The Fourth of July used to be one of my favorite holidays. I loved the smell of flesh burning under the punishing sun as I boated around the Tombigbee River, nursing a flask and chew. I only wished I could legally shoot fireworks into the sky instead of my pistol.

Happy birthday, America! You gave us rugged individualism, John Philip Sousa and the Situation. But as great as you are, I think there are several of your institutions that deserve a nudge off their red, white and blue pedestals.

1. Apple pie

Apple pie kinda sucks. First of all, it has apples in it, when all you really need is cinnamon butter and crust to go with the ice cream and self-hatred. And is apple pie really American? I think it sounds German (research needed). But even if apple pie is American, there are many desserts that have eclipsed it as the quintessential American dessert. Three nominees: Twizzlers, funnel cakes and tiramasu.

2. Mom

At one time, "mom" represented all that was good and right with our country. Then Joan Crawford was born. Add to that white wine, the telephone, xanax and daytime television, and moms have been in sweatpants ever since. I don't want to sound like Larry Flynt (because he had medical problems), but ever since the American woman got the right to vote, the pill and a sense that she was entitled to her own happiness, all hell has broken loose. She divorced dad, moved to Phoenix and now focuses on her art. Plus, she won't answer my pleas for money.

3. The weather in the South

I know Americans like to move down south, but the weather is a killer. Ten minutes outside and I start to smell like pirate. Lately, I've been experimenting with new ways to cool down. Last week, I stripped down and splashed water from my neighbor's bird bath. Bad idea when your neighbor's an NRA member. Some people think ice cream is a good way to cool down. But after I rub down with ice cream, I'm always too sticky for social gatherings or job interviews.

4. Fireworks

Nothing has really changed in the last 20 years...whats different this year folks? Boom, pow, colors. Ummmm, b-o-r-i-n-g! I saw a lady on the news last night who says she hasn't missed a fireworks display on New Years and 4th of July since 1994. Is she waiting for a George Clooney design to light the sky or something? Not gonna happen. Now, I would watch this(wait for it).

5. MTV

Remember when MTV actually played music videos? Now its Snooki Poofs, cold sores, binge drinking and half naked chicks (okay, so it isn't all that bad). And, the Real World? If thats the "real world" sign me up. This channel is viewing proof of why kids in America dont give a damn! If I whiz by channel 25 and see Guidos in Speedos fist pumping one more time I may just watch.

Oh, America! Wait, was that wrong?

Muse Cover of Where The Streets Have No Name...Edge Surprise

2010-07-05T21:18:00.001-05:00

On Top Of The World.....Until I Nearly Got Frostbite On My Ears

2010-07-02T13:31:00.005-05:00

14,110 feet equals 0 degrees, 40 MPH winds and frozen ears! Example:

Ouch!

SOLUTION! Make due with what you got.

Golden, Colorado; June 12, 2010; Coors Brewery; About To Enter The Tasting Room.....Life Was Good That Day My Friend

2010-07-02T13:27:00.002-05:00

Sorry But It's a Day of Political Musts!

2010-07-02T13:19:00.001-05:00

President Bush quit playing golf in 2003 during the second Iraq war because he didn't think the commander-in-chief should be seen fist-pumping a killer chip shot as servicemen were coming home in body bags. He extended this ban through Katrina and until the end of his presidency.

Today, servicemen continue to come home dead from Iraq and Afghanistan, the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is Obama's Katrina and the president unapologetically hit the links on Sunday. What the hell is he thinking?

Look, let's be intellectually honest here. In today's world of cellphones and laptops, whether the president is playing golf during a crisis is merely window dressing, but I think it's important window dressing. Perception is half of leadership. Don't appear callous and indifferent. Don't fiddle while Rome burns. Intellectually, I know that your fiddling doesn't affect the fire, but it still affects ME.

In fact, Obama has reportedly played golf seven times since the BP oil rig went kaboom and killed 11 workers. Window dressing, sure, but we're all looking through this window for leadership. I don't want BP CEO Tony Heyward yachting until the leak is fixed, and I don't want Obama over-tipping cart girls as blackened pelicans are crying blood in front of news lenses.

Obama himself has called this the worst environmental disaster of our lifetime and has vowed to do everything in his power to improve the situation – except, apparently, quitting golf. The White House tried to spin the situation by saying that Obama playing golf during the crisis is good for all Americans, leaving the impression that the president would go crazy and order more rig detonations if he doesn't unwind on the links once a week.

Maybe a letter will provide sway.

Mr. President,

Hey, I know you are busy right now with a horrible oil spill and a tough dog-leg par 5, but I just wanted to drop you a note of support. I root for you to do well and make America a better place, but come on. Golf? Now?

I know you have a tough job and people criticize you for everything. That sucks. You know what else sucks? You taking a Big Bertha to anything but a leaking pipe.

Ask yourself, "What would I say if Bush did this?" and then act accordingly.

I appreciate the difficulty of your job. In fact, I am on record that every president should be allowed to smoke five packs a day to relieve the stress. If you have to play golf, play it secretly. Like how you smoke.

BTW, other things you shouldn't do publicly at this time:

• Appear shirtless and laughing in front of pelicans

• Feed grapes to Tony Heyward while spooning on a Mobile beach

• Announce re-election bid

Sincerely,

The BOG

How MacMac Dog Feels About Obama

2010-07-02T13:14:00.001-05:00

BOG's Oil Spill Solutions

2010-07-02T13:06:00.003-05:00

There is one thing more important than the gulf oil spill crisis being handled authoritatively and well, and that is the ILLUSION of the gulf oil spill crisis being handled authoritatively and well. To that end, we had great presidential theater a few weeks back.

President Obama came down to the Gulf Coast to roll up his sleeves, stare at the ocean and find out "whose ass to kick." It was a bold move from our Comforter, Ass-Kicker and Emoter in Chief. It doesn't clean up a drop of oil, but it makes us all feel good.

I'm serious. It works on tons emotionally, if not intellectually. Just not us folks who live here!

As long as a president travels to a disaster site, shakes a few hands and narrows his eyes at destruction, people feel better. They begin to feel Jesus will come back and everyone will get a free puppy.

I live on the Gulf Coast. It's my home. So no one is more sensitive to its destruction than me. But I'm starting to feel like God doesn't want the Gulf Coast to exist. Galveston 1900. Hurricane Camille 1969. Katrina 2005. And now someone disabled the "Do Not Explode" switch on Deep Horizon and all the birds look like Elmer Fudd after a shotgun backfire.

How do we stop this thing? No one seems to know except celebrities. Kevin Costner, Drew Bledsoe and Troy Aikman have all held press conferences to talk solutions. Great. I'm listening to all voices, except that of Gary Coleman, who took his solution to the grave with him.

We have tried some pretty cool things to stop the leak, like robot-controlled submarines. Although I'm not sure if the submarines themselves were actual robots or if they were merely controlled by killer robots, with hooks for hands, and glowing eyes that highlight kill zones on your body when they look at you. Too much caffeine. Sorry.

The BP Solution: Shoot mud in the hole, and lower a big Liberty Bell on it.

"The Baller's" Solution: Throw a Magnum on it and don't tell the wife.

The Elderly Solution: Enlarge a prostate around it. This cut off my grandfather's flow.

My Niece's Solution: Throw kitty litter on it.

Tourism Solution: Rebrand the gulf "An Oil Lagoon Paradise" and promote wakeboarding.

Romantic Solution: Marry the oil well, which will guarantee it'll quit putting out.

My Solution: Bring the world in, without the insane government red tape, to help contain it, clean it up and figure out how to stop it. We need action. Enough TALKING!

Obama's Solution: Stare at the ocean with your shirtsleeves rolled up.

BOG PULLS A DEANO

2010-06-03T20:33:00.003-05:00

So, I haven't posted in over a month??? I have to admit, between my trip to London, excessive work and getting ready for my most recent two-week trip to Purdue University then Denver I just have no time.

Is "The Pad" coming to an end? Maybe. I must evaluate hard after my next trip.

Purdue for 5 days of work then Denver. Hiking in the Rockies, climbing Pikes Peak, Coors Brewery Tour, baseball game at Coors field...etc. As we all know by now, the
U2 concert has been cancelled. Bono was injured in preperation for the tour. Now we wait until 2011. But, Seinfeld is on the schedule for Saurday night as he is doing stand up in town. If only I could come up with $150 for a ticket. How does this cost more than a U2 ticket?

Anyway, hope to give updates on the fate of this here blog sometime soon. But in the meantime lets hope I survive 14,000 feet climbs!

Talk soon folks! In the meantime check out this overly hyper drummer...wait until the 1:05 mark!

Do You Ever Read The Instructions?

2010-04-30T15:30:00.002-05:00

I love a good deal. Some people may be suspicious of a $39 microwave or a $2 lamp, but I play the odds that one in 10 will be a keeper. If I have to buy more than one, so what? I'm still ahead.

But the real pleasure of buying cheaply made goods is the poorly translated instructions I find stuffed in the box. They are not helpful in assembling the table or explaining how the Blue Blockers actually work, but they are amazingly effective at making people like me giggle like a geisha girl at a party. Just read them aloud once and you will see what I mean.

The problem is that foreign manufacturers write the instructions in their native language and then use one of those free online translators rather than employ an actual bilingual person who breathes and uses the bathroom.

For example, take a gander at the following warning on a table lamp I found in the closet the other day.

WARNING:

1. plesse don't place in following place.

a) nearby strong vibration

b) in the dusty play

All right, I understand that you don't want me to use my lamp near a strong vibration, even though I bought it to go on my washing machine, but now you're telling me I cannot use my lamp in the dusty play? What are you, a communist? Oh, sorry.

Lately, I've taken to running all my messages through an online translator and then converting them back into English, just to confuse people and to have a little fun.

Here's the original draft of a recent note I wrote to LaJJ:

"LaJJ, I can not help you paint this weekend, because I messed up my back moving furniture. However, I still would like to take you to dinner Saturday night and drink tequila until I pass out. I hear it's good for your heart. Best , Brad"

After the translator, and giggle, this is what I sent her:

"I move the furniture back to mess LaJJ, I draw this weekend you can not help it. But I would like a tequila dinner on Saturday night and drink until I pass yet. It seems to me that your heart good. , Brad Best"

She responded by asking if I was "on crack."

Mission accomplished.

The Old Broke Back Backpack Syndrome.....Been There!

2010-04-30T15:11:00.002-05:00

Watch Here

Instant Classic!

2010-04-30T14:06:00.004-05:00

Wait, dont give up on this one....watch all they way. The condemnation, the shaking, the tension, and the awkwardness. Then, "call an ambulance...now lets begin the recessional". She is going to make big bucks as a TV evangelist or Fox News personality.

And In The Same Parking Lot Where I Took The Bumper Sticker Picture

2010-04-30T14:03:00.002-05:00

So, we market Ephedrine now to get people to shop! I have to admit that this might just work here in the Loop Area.

Another Bumper Sticker Found Recently

2010-04-30T14:02:00.001-05:00

Havent Posted In a While Video

2010-04-30T11:52:00.001-05:00

Saw This Bumper Sticker Today

2010-04-15T12:22:00.001-05:00

'91 Freestyle Beard Champion...Thats What I'm Talking About

2010-04-12T18:10:00.002-05:00

Now that's a beard door! If there was ever a such thing as a beard jail, a beard double cheeseburger, a beard BMW or a beard fruit basket, this guy would freestyle it.

Tiger Being Tiger....Still

2010-04-11T16:20:00.001-05:00

Sounds like Tiger’s Buddhism hasn’t quite kicked in. Wonder if he immediately ran into the gallery and tagged the first cougar he found. Still dont get why people give him standing ovations. He's a prick.

Were Gonna Need A Bigger Boat!

2010-04-11T15:57:00.000-05:00

We can do this one of two ways. We can have 9 guys load you onto the raft or you can just stand up in the inch of water on the ground. Your call.

Somali Pirates Attack U.S Ship-- Loses

2010-04-11T15:53:00.002-05:00

Welcome To The Masters 2010

2010-04-09T15:32:00.000-05:00

As seen flying over Augusta National today during the first round of the Masters

Dude, That Was Hot!

2010-04-07T19:55:00.001-05:00

"100, million, billion percent hot!” No way Crystal Bowersox could’ve pulled this off. Guitar or no guitar.

Hometown Stories

2010-04-07T13:19:00.005-05:00

It's been a long time since I posted an article from the hometown newspaper but I think you will like this one. Click to enlarge.

Pimpy On The Hunt

2010-04-02T14:29:00.000-05:00

Is This Funny?

2010-03-25T09:41:00.001-05:00

"Weird: The Al Yankovic Story" from Aaron Paul

Get Me This Lamb Now!

2010-03-16T11:29:00.000-05:00

A dog, an elephant and now add a lamb to the wish list.

Huh?

2010-03-16T11:25:00.002-05:00

Plane hits, kills man along Hilton Head, SC, beach

HILTON HEAD, S.C. — Authorities in South Carolina are investigating after a single-engine plane with oil on its windshield hit and killed a man on a Hilton Head beach as the pilot was trying to make an emergency landing.

Hilton Head Island fire and rescue spokeswoman Joheida (Joh-HI'-da) Fister says the man was walking or jogging along the beach Monday when the Experimental Lancair IV-P plane hit him.

Fister says the plane started leaking oil. The oil on the windshield blocked the pilot's vision and he told authorities the propeller came off the plane. When he tried to land on the beach, the plane hit the beachgoer and came to rest a little farther down the beach.

FAA records show the aircraft was registered to Edward I. Smith of Chesapeake, Va., with a certificate issued in 2004.

A plane strikes and kills a jogger on a beach. Sad story but really? How does this happen? He's already jogging so start running like the wind! Wouldn't you think this guy would see a plane and have enough time to get out of the way......it's a big beach!

I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW GREAT THESE TWO SONGS ARE

2010-03-12T19:48:00.002-06:00

R.I.P. Corey Haim

2010-03-10T16:03:00.003-06:00

Another child star dead of a drug overdose. But, there’s a tiny place in my heart for ole Corey Haim. See, we didn’t have cable TV growing up. This is not some “we walked both ways uphill in the snow barefoot” story. We just didn’t have cable because we lived on a budget in the country in a small secluded neighborhood a mile off the “beaten path” and it was just never feasible for the cable guy to run lines to us. We made do with a big ole antenna and lots of VCR tapes.

My sister I would wear a movie out. I can not begin to tell you how many times we watched “Secret Admirer”, “16 Candles”, “License to Drive", "The Lost Boys", etc. Three of which starred none other than Corey Haim. But my favorite, which I own and still watch to this day is "Lucas". An undersized nerd who turns hero in is high school. I can actually recite a good portion of these movies.

And so, in memory of Corey Haim, and our overburdened childhood VCR (that happened to weigh more than my parents Station Wagon), here’s the original trailer to “Lucas”:

Craziest Lead Sentence ever?

2010-03-10T15:38:00.000-06:00

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Officials say an Ohio inmate who intentionally overdosed on pills hours before his scheduled execution has returned to prison and is on suicide watch.

AP Story

It's A Dogs World

2010-03-08T13:34:00.007-06:00

This weekend, I heard a guy on the radio talking about buying a thousand-dollar "designer dog." I had to pull over and softly cry into a fast-food napkin. Is our country now so successful that we make up stuff to spend our money on? Since when did dogs cost a thousand bucks? They used to be "free to a good home," or cost about $15 out of the back of a station wagon at a truck stop or your local TG&Y.

Roadside station wagon dogs were always a crap shoot of mixed success.

You'd work out the deal with the fat woman in stretch pants and a stained Jimmy Buffet A1-A t-shirt perched on the sagging lip of an open tailgate, chain-smoking Dorals.

"These dogs have all their shots?" you'd ask.

"Oh, yeah, all of 'em. They got tapeworm shots, heartworm shots, flu shots, cancer shots," she'd say in a cloud of smoke and a phlegm induced cough. But, for 15 bucks, you didn't want to ask too many questions.

You'd take your pick out of the cardboard box, and the fat lady would instruct some vaguely related boy, with a grotesque overbite who never talked, to lead you back to "where the good puppies are."

"These ones up front that get handled a lot tend to die," she'd explain.

Ten minutes later, you'd go home with a new little friend that would cost you $2,000 in vet bills in the first year if you didn't have a cold heart or a country grandfather whose idea of veterinary care was shotgun.

Now we are paying a thousand dollars for designer breeds?

In my day, a "designer breed" was when your mutt had designs on the girl dog two streets over and did something about it. The "girl dog" family would be angry when the puppies arrived with some sort of tell-tale stripe that would lead straight back to your grinning, heat-induced dog.

Then your dad and their dad would exchange some tough words and glances in the living room while you sat in the kitchen, making deals with God to get a free puppy from the rendezvous.

But now we have designer dogs that cost a thousand bucks and have superpowers, according to my brief Internet research.

"This Great Dane and teacup poodle mix, or Great TeaDoodle, never sheds and can levitate. His bathroom output is greatly diminished by selective breeding and fairy dust."

Whatever. The world was a better place when you got your dog from behind the tire shop, or from my Doral-smoking mom before we got my overbite fixed

Slightly Not so Family Friendly Post of the Month

2010-03-05T17:25:00.000-06:00

It's A Swimming Pool Party Taking You Into The The Weekend!

2010-03-05T17:23:00.000-06:00

2010-03-05T17:17:00.001-06:00

Yup, I cried during this video. And not like a little either. Snot and stuff coming out. So what? That’s doesn’t mean I’m a lesser man. I mean how could you not cry when the damn elephant was moping outside Bella’s window? That was some killer stuff. Not to mention the part when it was scratching the dogs belly with her foot. Just emotional as hell. I mean I love dogs. Maybe I love elephants now too. Either way this hit me right in the cry bone. I don’t care though. Because if crying during this video is wrong then I don’t want to be right.

EVIL I SAY, EVIL!

2010-03-03T18:33:00.002-06:00

Could this little girl be the next Linda Blair? I dont know what it is about her, besides the fact that she is an 8 year old and trapped in a 30 year olds body and she talks like she smokes two packs a day, but she gives me the creeps. If she were my kid I would have the priest on speed dial and the holy water on the nightstand.

Love It.

2010-02-25T13:24:00.000-06:00

HIGHEST HIGH DIVE EVER!! 172 FEET!!

2010-02-25T12:44:00.002-06:00

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. If you only have to wear one bathing suit when you’re diving, you ain’t high enough. This is how all diving should be. You miss the pool, you die. None of this baby stuff like they got in the Olympics. Dana Kunze is all man. He could probably take a red eye to Beijing tomorrow and win six Gold Medals before he gets off the plane.

PS – I knew this guy wasn’t going to joke around the minute I saw the zinc on his nose.

Random Thoughts

2010-02-22T16:16:00.004-06:00

--Above. If I knew this stuff was going on all the time I would be watching more.
--Unnecessary Headline
--I think this is a good look.
--I've noticed that the ice dancing couples do a lot of "over bowing" at the end of the routine once the applause comes.
--New credit card regulations went into effect LAST WEEK in order to "protect consumers." When I was 18, I got my first credit card. My dad simply said, "Don't do anything stupid. You have to pay for what you charge." Those were all the regulations that I ever needed to hear.
--Even though the constant Tiger Wood's apology analysis beat me down over the weekend, bringing in a "body language" expert almost caused me to destroy my television invention.
--Some of the Olympic bobsledders had a bit of belly bulging out in those spandex suits.
--Has there ever been a male figure skater who was not effeminate? But the brother/sister combos can be uncomfortable.
--I wonder what it is like for an Olympian to spend years training for an event that is decided in five minutes, three minutes, or even less?
--Bob Costas at the Olympics every night: "That's a look at the medal count, presented by McDonald's." Ugh.
--Wanna know what the girl behind the voice of the Geico pothole looks like?
--The fact that you get to choose what you get to give up for Lent kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? The rule should be that you have to pick someone you've wronged over the last year and then they get to pick what you must abstain from.
--There will be 19,000 homicides in the U.S. this year but 32,000 suicides?
--I end up buying Girl Scout cookies every year and then giving them away because I wont eat them.
--Whatever happened to carpal tunnel syndrome?
--Below. Funny.

Fanny Packs and Baby Blue Are Fo Real

2010-02-17T18:18:00.002-06:00

Honestly what was that black guy thinking? Like I don’t care how tough you think you are. Hell I don’t even care if this guy called you the N word. Under no circumstances do you get in the face of a Vietnam Vet wearing a fanny pack with a baby blue “I Am A Motherfucker” tshirt on the bus. That’s how you end up with your face mashed in calling for an amblamps. Even my 2 year old nephew know that. Seriously how many people do you think this guy killed in Nam? 100? And that probably doesn’t include the guys he killed just for fun either.

PS – Am I the only one whose favorite charcter in this video was that lady who kept chirping in the backround? “Say it again! Say it again! Say it again Pinky!” Beat his white ass! Whoop his White Ass!” I don’t think this fight goes down without her. She kept poking that dude with a stick to get in the ring. And her reaction when he gets dominated is great. She’s like “What the fuck!” ”That did no just happen. Oh, he’s leaking. He’s leaking” Just one great line after another. I mean I haven’t heard anybody called Pinky in 2 decades. I may start calling everybody that from now on.

Double PS – That had to be the most unenthusiastic “I’ll f*!! you up” in the history of “I’ll f*!! you up’” after the guy got his ass whooped when he was still pretending to be tough. Listen bro fight’s over and there ain’t gonna be no rematch.

OLD LADY BEING CALLED A HERO FOR BREAKING UP A ROBBERY?

2010-02-17T18:05:00.001-06:00

Umm did I watch a different video or something? I mean talk about getting credit for doing nothing. Because as far as I can tell all this old lady did was break the cash register moniter. I don’t think she connected once with the robber. The whole scene kind of reminded me of a guy who pretends like he wants to fight while having his teammates hold him back. Like do you want to thwart the robbery or not lady? Stop being a coward and jump over the counter or something and get in the mix because swinging wildly from 5 feet away ain’t going to do nothing. But nooooo, grandma wanted to stay nice and safe so she just put on a good show for the cameras and now everybody is calling her a hero. I don’t get it. Because she’s old? Forget that.

IT'S THE DAY BEFORE FAT TUESDAY MIRACLE!

2010-02-15T10:31:00.001-06:00

I made it from my house off Hillcrest to my workplace at the loop without having stop at a red light. I mean, this is a rare as snow in Mobile...it only happens once in 14 years. I dont know what is going on but I like it.

Who Dat!

2010-02-08T17:57:00.000-06:00

Saints Superbowl Victory Celebration from Cottage Films on Vimeo.

Even I Can Appreciate This

2010-02-01T19:50:00.001-06:00

Why I Hate Cats -- They Are Evil

2010-02-01T19:29:00.002-06:00

EMBED-Cat Drops Monitor On Owner's Face - Watch more free videos

When will people start listening to me about these damn cats? This is all they do all day long. They sit around and plot on ways to kill the humans. You think this was an accident? No way. This cat put more planning into this than Bobby fischer did in a chess match. Hell it wouldn’t shock me if this cat was hiding Bin Laden in his kitty litter or starts busting out whack jumping jacks (see below).

Instant Classic: It just doesn’t get any better than a guy doing a dead lift, screaming in victory and then promptly face planting into dumbbells.

2010-02-01T19:27:00.000-06:00

What is This?

2010-02-01T19:24:00.000-06:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

No wonder Bin Laden is running circles around us. I mean if we can’t even teach people how to do jumping jacks how are we going to teach them to track down terrorists? No chance.

It Just Feels Like a Monday Night

2010-02-01T19:20:00.000-06:00

Teenagers!

2010-01-24T17:57:00.004-06:00

During my high school years my room was decorated with Atlanta Braves paraphernalia, a picture of Ronald Reagan and deer horns on the wall. My nephew is now 16 and his room is decorated with Jack Daniel bottles, a 2010 Maxim bikini calendar and this huge banner that reads OVERSIZE LOAD......(in my pants). At least I hid the Playboy magazines and Jack Daniels.

Where Am I?

2010-01-24T17:50:00.005-06:00

I'm bringing back the Deano special...."From The Hip", but with a new twist. This little game will be pictures taken on the fly but you have to guess where I may have taken it. We will start off with what I call "Redneck Batman Mullet Man". Mullet, leather Batman jacket, baby on hip and ordering a pitcher of Budweiser. Where am I?

And I Love Basketball

2010-01-24T15:17:00.001-06:00

What is wrong with this kid? Hey kid relax. This interview isn’t that funny and nobody wants to know about your swing set. Take it down a level bro and get some braces.

It's Game Day!

2010-01-06T20:30:00.003-06:00

When or lose, what a season! If these dont get you fired up, your dead!

2010-01-06T18:25:00.001-06:00

Holy Cow honey! This was the most unenthuisastic cowbell ringing in the history of cowbells. It’s the freaking fiesta bowl! Would somebody please light a fire under this chicks ass? Because guess what? I got a fever and the only prescription is more more cowbell!

She's Feeling it, Yo!

2010-01-06T18:13:00.000-06:00

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

2009-12-30T14:00:00.003-06:00

This guyn has caught over 3,000 balls from the stands of MLB games. Is it an amazing accomplishement or is he just a loser with nothing else to do?

"Way to use your elbows sir!"

Rating Scale:

1 being a loser and 10 being its so awesome that he should be in the Guiness Book of World Records

Let me know what you think!

Dating Compilation Video

2009-12-29T18:02:00.001-06:00

Ladies if you strike out on the bar scene this weekend don’t fret because there is always dating on demand.